I understand that "a lot can happen over a cup of coffee", but expecting free sex with random girls walking by you? That guy is pushing his hopes way too high.

The other day i asked Brad Pitt to trade lives with me, he politely responded with a "No, thanks".

I'll never get to sleep with Angelina.

If Laika was the first dog to orbit in space, this is the first dog to be taken-over in a multi-million dollar deal. Wish i was taken over in a similar deal by let's say Liz Hurley. Take a closer look and you'd notice "I'm helpless" kinda look from the dog.

"Those were the good old days"

I'm sure everybody would have heard these words before. Yes indeed those were the good old days without passwords. Passwords have become a way of life now...thanks to the internet guys

Let's compare the 1940's to the 2000's in terms of password importance.

1940 - You can have sex with the most beautiful woman by just saying your name

Nickie: Hi i'm Nickie Ferrante (offers hand)
Pretty Blonde: Oooh let's have sex in my bedroom, Nickie (grabs and kisses the hand profusely)

2000 - We find that there is a catch to sex

Nickie: Hi i'm Nickie Ferrante (offers hand)
Pretty Blonde: (smirks) Go over to that counter, register by paying 100 bucks and come back to me with a password.

See how times have changed. We have to provide passwords for almost everything now a days.
Let's see where passwords are required -

We can't read our mail without a password
We can't access bank accounts without a password
You need to use different sets of passwords to reach your desk from the main gate of your office.
the list goes on....

Even my girl asks for a password while i coax her for sex. This password has to be doubled up with a 6 digit security code, and the funny thing is that the password is alpha numeric with special characters and changes everyday. The security code changes every 15 minutes. She says its necessary for her to be compliant with the international asset protection and regulation act of 32A.

I always had this nagging question running in my mind since the time i acquired common sense.

What is the value of "Unlimited"?

Two and a half decades later, this question of mine is answered while i was traversing the roads of Bangalore

Unlimited = 15

Am i joking? Nope, refer the ad which notes "Unlimited 15 rides at Rs. 49 only"

Here is an interesting word by word reproduction of a sms forward i recieved today on my mobile

"In 1960 the first topless dance bar in malaysia opened in kaula lumpur. The good news, its still open. The bad news is the same girls still work there...send this msg to all or a ghost will rape ur dog."

And my poor friend sent this to me so that his dog is spared. I had a lot of questions after reading the sms

1. Who is the original source of this SMS, the mobile service provider?
2. How many ghosts are waiting in line to "rape" the dogs and is the ratio equal?
3. Do ghosts like dogs and vice versa?
4. How do the ghosts know that the message i recieved was subsequently forwarded by me and that they have to spare my dog?
5. Are the ghosts paid by the hour by this sinister mobile service provider?
6. I don't possess a dog here in Bangalore, will that mean, the ghost will rape me (since i have broken the "forwarding" sms chain) ? if yes, do i have a choice of choosing the female one?
7. How are ghosts related to the people who work in that age old topless bar?
8. Does this whole crap make sense?
9. How come i never thought of visiting malaysia?

Boy! some genius is at work at the mobile service provider's "creative sms forwards" dept. I always knew there was a sinister nexus between the mobile service providers and the sms which come asking us to forward them furthermore thereby creating wealth (sms revenue) to the mobile service provider, but i did not know that the nexus broadened to include "Malaysian Topless Bar of 1960" and "Ghosts".

Its fun watching a movie with subtitles on, most of the original dvd's have proper subtitles which goes in tandem with what the characters speak on screen..it really spices up when you watch the movie on a pirated or a bootleg version of the same movie

Here is an excerpt of a bootleg copy of a recent release

The characters speak at a very fast rate (british accent) and the subtitles go on like this

(Mumbling)

then you see the next subtitle

(Continues, Indistinct)

Boy, never seen that before, nor have i seen the outrageous cover-up of what they could not decipher.

Come to think of it, Life's a business

We balance out our savings and debt under the head Assets and Liabilities every year.
We ask the govt for tax rebates every financial year.
A Merger happens when we get married, in some cases more than one merger happens.
All the new products we buy can be termed as acquisitions.
When a baby comes, we call it "growth".
When the credit card people come knocking on your doors, you know that your P&L statement has gone awry.
Sometimes Viagra acts as venture capital to boost business
You're bankrupt when your doctor tells you that you are infertile.
A Hostile takeover happens when you are bankrupt (Infertile).

Now you have to be a good CEO to manage the business of life and ensure that you don't go bankrupt.

Most of you people either heard or used this online networking site called "Orkut" named after google's turkish employee and founder of the networking site. (Boy! Google has a way with retaining employees). Orkut is a place where you want to keep in touch with friends and acquaintances, whom you had discarded earlier for a lot of reasons. Also orkut is a place where you flirt with unknown human entities. Also orkut is a place where a lot of dumb douchebags express their feelings about themselves and in that process ridicule themselves. Not getting my point? Check the below "about me" example which i found on a real orkut profile.

about me: Too dazed at times,come off as ignorant and arrogant but gimme a break!!!!!!!!



Now you see wot i'm talking about?

I have this question running in my mind for a long time, Do insects have brains?

I was sitting at this coffee day outlet and saw the above insect killer at work, killing flies and anything which goes nearby (it almost tried to kill me when i stood next to it). Thats when the question popped to me, i was sitting there and looking at all those flies taking the plunge. When you know it's gonna kill you, why go near it, are the flies dumb?

Thats when i realised that cigarettes and booze also kills us humans, and we are no smarter from the fly which died just now.

We just set our clocks a few days ago, officially to 2007. Lets see how the year 2006 fared.

January -

In international news Russia cuts natural gas supply to Ukraine over the dispute that Ukraine was not able to spell "Moscow" grammatically correct.

President Bush is diagnosed with Oil addiction and is sent to Iraq Rehab center for treatment. Hearing that President Bush is out of the white house, Dow Jones posts an all time high.

February -

In sports news, Bode Miller wins all medals at the Winter Olympics and passes out.

Osama buys the 1 billionth song from iTunes. While in US to buy the song, he also checks out local pizza hut to see if he will get the pizza free if it's delivered to his cave 30 mins late.

In other news, London reports the largest cash robbery in Uk with atleast 53 million pounds being stolen, George Clooney and his team are nabbed and questioned.

In March.......

Dick Cheney makes it legal to shoot lawyers in the face. In other related news Law colleges across nation report zero attendance.

Brokeback Mountain...is tipped as a forerunner to the Oscars, when asked what the movie was about, Director Ang Lee, quote "it's a movie about how men can live without women". This rubs the wrong shoulders of Oscars selection committee and crashes at the Oscars. Ang lee unperturbed, goes on with his life proving how he can live without women gets married to Jake Gyllenhal

In other news, 500,000 people throng to streets in L.A protesting over a proposed federal crackdown of illegal immigrants, only to be captured and sent back to their home countries by the waiting feds.

Slobodan Milosevic is tried for war crimes and subsequently transferred to Pluto.

April -

Iran buys poultry from russia, and hatches uranium eggs. President Bush says he is not too happy with the development and orders Dick Cheney to shoot at sight any uranium egg laying poultry.

May -

George Micheal and Elton John are nabbed by the Moscow police, they are later shifted to minimum security "all women prison" and held there for a week.

June -

Dick Cheney mistakes Al Qaeda leader Al Zarqawi to a duck and shoots him in the face.

July -

Italy emerges winner of FIFA Worldcup after headbutting France. Dick Cheney calls this incident as "most violent and evil".

President Bush is reported to have made no progress over oil addiction by his rehab officials.

Speaking of terror, in August

British Airport officials ban all liquids carried in person at the airport, including but not limited to Blood and Urine. President Bush calls this preposterous and not good for his oil pressure in his body.

September -

In sports news, Andre Agassi retires to have sex with Steffi Graf. In related news Michael Schumacher also retires to have sex with Steffi.

Solar system gives birth to Eris.

Republican representative Mark Foley resigns after it is found that he exchanged explicit emails with Michael Jackson and Osama.

October -

Dow Jones Industrial Average reports an all time high after rumors that President Bush has extended his stay at the oil de-addiction center.

In related news, North Korea fires nuclear missiles at Dow Jones and for a good measure at Nasdaq also.

Google buys Bill Gates

November -

Osama becomes the first customer to buy Playstation 3.

December -

An oil pipeline explodes in Nigeria, severely wounding President Bush.

Dick Cheney mistakes Saddam for a duck.

Happy New Year!

Disclaimer: All persons and names mentioned are fictitious and any resemblance is purely co-incidental and unintended.